just what I needed

I told him I had to get away, get out. I said it in pain, after a bottle of wine, didn't think that he listened. Yet, when the weekend came I found my bags, packed, next to the door. He carried them out to the car, with a mysterious smile. He put a scarf in my hair, and we drew to the airport, cab down. He knows what a sucker I am for cliches. 


After a few hours.. we celebrated with bubbly wine so I lost track of time.. I found myself standing outside Cs door in Paris. She opened the door, took me in her arms and kissed me on the cheeks. Then she kissed my other love and showed him around in the apartment. It was the first time he had come to Paris with me, it was the first time they had ever met. Yet, somehow, it felt like we had always been there. Like the three of us, always lived together in Paris and that there were never a sea disconnecting us from each other...

Tuesday is fun day

Darlings. The sky turned grey and screamed out my name today. The apartment shivered and I searched for my cigarettes, they were nowhere to be found. Empty bottles in a line, all the way down the hallway to the bathroom. Empty bottles, dried out. No more soul, no more fun. Now is the time where we rest in each others arms. We get naked and expose our hearts during blurry nights à la woodstock, at least that's what they told me I did. Do we trust them? Can we? Love is all around and mother is keeping watch. I miss C and everything is upside down. Should I stay or should I go?

balcony blues

I missed you. I missed grapes, well mostly liquid ones. I missed guitar play, the balcony blues we had every Wednesday night. I missed having my fingers feel your shivering body. And I missed being one, two of the same kind, bound together by transparent thoughts and see-through skin. But now you're back. You know you have to teach me how to breath every time you're away, so why leave at all?


My heart was away, and then he came back. I am so lucky he's got that habit, it kinda makes me complete. Flickering, while he unbuttons my dress. Every time. Need of a pause, to catch my breath, in between kisses on the neck. Slowly arranging my limbs in place, posing, before he looks at me through the lens. I missed him.


I missed you too darlings. It just seem so hard these days..

home is..

Back home. Felt an urgent need to be me. I left my french alter ego at the airport and with her, the smell of croissants, wine traces leading back to our front door, piles of champagne corks and the forehead kiss C gave me before walking out the door. I then called him and went over to his place, he was having a party tonight he explained. I thought, what place is better to be alive than in of those pictures.. Bodies moving to unheard lyrics, liquid levels shrinking outside, rising inside. Under control. I always carry around straws in my handbag.


Spent several hours staring in to the sun, next to his warm shadow, and when the sun fell asleep the candles continued to cause stains on my retinas..

drained

Exhausted. As a result of no sleep, to many thoughts, too heavy to bear. My head is banging. Haven't been able to close my eyes even for a second, to much going on inside of me. My headache is not from drinking to many bottles of wine last night. I would like to bang it in to the wall. Because that kind of pain I can take. But this, this is something else..


I escaped last night. When I woke up from my coma I realised that I haven't met him for a few days. Just the distraction I needed. So I went to his place. We made up a fire, emptied a couple of bottles, smoked each other down to the filter and made love, whenever our subjects of discussion ran out. I ended up sitting naked in front of the fire, staring. Together we fed the fire with old Elle mags, and she licked everything we gave her. I saw the thin smiles of spotlight girls disappear into it. For a second I thought about c, but then he kissed my neck, continuing down my spine - and I forgot about all the sadness and choose to live in the moment, as of right now.

walking down memorylane

Dutiful Wednesday. Loads to do, will not do any. Long for the summer or spring, well at least for a warm breeze that gently strokes my cheek. I miss the colorful blindness you get from staring in to the sun too long. I miss the freckles on my knees. I miss sable under my feet. So I run, far far away. Days like these are made for wine, cigarettes and endless daydreaming. I sit in the window sill and I remember..


We ran through the grass. The dewdrops licked my ankles wet. We were hundreds, well at least a dozen. Sky painted softly in apricot. Afternoon had turned into evening, night and now morning. We were out on an adventure in the woods. Surrounded by green. We made fires, danced around them singing softly, shouting loudly. We built a community, for just one night. 


I met him for the first time out there. I loved his curls and I adored his voice. He sang to me that night and he spoke french like a native. We shared wine bottles, cigarettes and breaths. We made love under the stars, like one of those virgin cliches. Still it was no cliche. He swept me away, heart body and mind all at once. And I found myself lying on my back out on a field. The others just a few feet away. He tucked his shirt under my head and touched my collar bone with his fingertips while whispering the world was made for us and no one but us