not what it used to be

Cravings. An urge for sentiments. To feel things. Lately it seems like I have been locked inside a closet, no communication either ways. I have been a plastic flower, a painting on the wall, a forgotten framed dead kept away on some dusty shelf somewhere in a room where no one ever goes. I tried wine, tried to smoke 11 cigarettes in a row, tried to bury myself under thousands of layers of silk, tried to read the classics - dream and fantasize about a world beyond mine. But nothing worked. It just left me with a pounding headache and no food in my body. An uncontrollable search for life and death. Questions constantly filling my head and mind. A need to know why and why and why. Is that the reward of this emotional anorexia? 

Troubled while the spring arrived

The sun is forcing life to be easier. That is what everyone says, right? As soon as the light is around, we will all manage. And if we don't, we can't blame it on the regular winter depression. On the other hand, the green tempt us to drown our sorrows as the cliches says during all the spare time we can find. That should make it easier. Well, I have to admit that the balcony is inviting us to live the life more often now than it did just a few weeks ago. But the question is, does it solve our problems? Does it really hurt less? I think I can still feel the heart pounding in my chest, still feel awkward et mal placée..

when was it... ever?

Watching the sun rise over the ceilings, golden shimmer all over town. No sleep needed, no eye lid heavy enough it seems. Can't blame the wine, the party, the music. It all ended hours ago. Like 28 hours ago. Still, no sleep, no rest. My head is heavy, but never heavy enough. Restless legs, half asleep, half dancing. Arms hurt, have been holding the same pose too long. Since.. was it yesterday? When did I move the last time? Time to get the morning paper I guess, I wonder if they have some from the last days left..