2011-04-27
not what it used to be
Cravings. An urge for sentiments. To feel things. Lately it seems like I have been locked inside a closet, no communication either ways. I have been a plastic flower, a painting on the wall, a forgotten framed dead kept away on some dusty shelf somewhere in a room where no one ever goes. I tried wine, tried to smoke 11 cigarettes in a row, tried to bury myself under thousands of layers of silk, tried to read the classics - dream and fantasize about a world beyond mine. But nothing worked. It just left me with a pounding headache and no food in my body. An uncontrollable search for life and death. Questions constantly filling my head and mind. A need to know why and why and why. Is that the reward of this emotional anorexia?
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it never ends. it can be wonderous and it can be painful. long walks help. and music. lots and lots of music. dance when no one is looking.
ReplyDeleteI tried vodka with pills, driving through the night, watching the stars on fields, sitting in a cemetery in the middle of the night, listening to a hypnotising voice of a boy that I like, staying awake three days in a row. None of it is working. Oh Aurélie, who will get us out of the closets?
ReplyDeleteI find it helps to lose yourself in the crowd or in solitude. one or the other, it doesn't matter, but to learn about anything you need to push it to the extremes.
ReplyDeletehoney.. i was ill and crazy even more then the usual, but i am here now..
ReplyDeletelove, louisa
I'm starved for life, too. I want experiences, adventures. Now.
ReplyDeletei have missed you.
ReplyDeleteto feel, would be too wonderful.
I miss your words
ReplyDelete